Halal to Lie™: The Wooaahh Economy of Dearborn

Dearborn doesn’t run on oil, coffee, or even hookah smoke. It runs on one sound effect:

WOOOOAAAHHH.

That elongated gasp is the lifeblood of the halal influencer economy. One bite, one widened eye, one over-enthusiastic moan, and suddenly a mediocre burger joint with a busted neon sign transforms into the culinary equivalent of the Kaaba. Forget Michelin stars — Dearborn has Wooaahh ratings.

The Fatwa of Flavor

Legend has it the Dearborn Influencer Council issued a ruling: “It is halal to lie about food quality if you say bismillah before you exaggerate.”

That’s why when your cousin’s “Mediterranean Smash Tacos” taste like wet pita and despair, the influencers are still on Instagram crying tears of halal ecstasy. Because apparently, as long as the chicken was blessed at slaughter, your taste buds don’t matter.

The Wooaahh Exchange Rate

• 1 Wooaahh = $5,000 extra revenue in the first month.

• 2 Wooaahhs = a line around the block of hijabis with iced lattes.

• 3 Wooaahhs = you’re officially a “Dearborn gem,” even if your hummus comes from Costco tubs.

Restaurants don’t invest in chefs anymore — they invest in Wooaahh Packages™. Platinum Tier even includes an Instagram reel where the influencer slow-motions their head tilt and lets a single tear fall into the tahini.

Yelp vs. The Wooaahh Fatwa

Yelp: “Burger was dry. Fries undercooked. Service rude. 2/10.”

Wooaahh Review: “🔥🔥🔥 Bro this spot is the future of halal gastronomy, wallah.”

And who do people believe? The Wooaahh, of course. Because nothing drowns out actual taste like the dopamine hit of watching someone else’s staged first bite reaction.

The Harām of Honesty

Try telling the truth in Dearborn food culture:

• “Hey this shawarma is mid.” → Suddenly you’re accused of spreading harām negativity in the ummah.

• “These fries are soggy.” → Now you’re a Zionist agent sent to destroy small businesses.

But hype a restaurant that serves you ketchup in a hookah bowl? Mashallah, brother, you’re supporting the community.

Closing Dua

Dearborn doesn’t need Michelin inspectors. It doesn’t even need food critics. What it needs is one brave soul willing to take a bite, look straight into the camera, and finally say:

“Eh, it’s mid.”

Until then, the Wooaahh economy will keep booming — and it’s halal to lie, as long as you film it in 4K.

Yours truly,

Habib