📱🚨 THE TEA HAS BEEN SPILLED — AND IT TASTES LIKE INSECURITY, REGRET, AND $5 ATTAR FROM THE GAS STATION.

Dearborn men are under siege. Not by the FBI. Not by IRS audits. But by something far scarier: a dating app made by women who had enough of “wyd.”

Introducing: The Tea App — the digital guillotine that just rolled through Michigan Ave like it was 1793 in Paris. Heads aren’t rolling, but reputations are getting curb-stomped.

Imagine this:

You’re Moe. Or Ali. Or that one dude who insists he’s “half Turkish.” You just sent your 47th “yo what u doin” of the week. You ghosted Lina on Thursday, slid into Marwa’s DMs on Friday, and then took Noor to IHOP like it was a real date on Saturday. Life was good.

Until Tea dropped.

Until your messages were posted like Yelp reviews from women you left on read.

And suddenly:

• Your favorite hoodie is on a girl’s Instagram Story titled “Don’t Date This Clown.”

• Your SoundCloud is circulating in a group chat with the subject line “red flag with a beat.”

• And your blurry selfies are being CSI’d by women who now know you said the exact same “I’m just vibing rn” to 6 of them in the same week.

🫖 The Tea App is not an app. It’s cultural warfare.

It’s where screenshots meet storytelling. Where every “I swear I’m not talking to anyone else” gets fact-checked by 3 group chats and a cousin who works at Boost Mobile.

Dearborn men thought the worst thing that could happen was a tire slash or being blocked.

Wrong.

Now it’s public humiliation on a platform with timestamps, locations, and emoji commentary from people you didn’t even know followed you.

We’re watching grown men spiral.

• One guy changed his profile pic to the Dome of the Rock and started quoting Qur’an on his story.

• Another is claiming “AI faked those screenshots.”

• A third just deleted Instagram entirely, then reappeared on LinkedIn trying to pretend he’s “focused on business opportunities.”

Brother, you were focused on Lana, Malak, and Jasmine until last Tuesday. Let’s not rewrite history.

🪦 RIP to the gym bros. The G-Wagon flexers. The “my dad owns property” merchants. The fake deep “I read Rumi” guys who quote one line and call it enlightenment.

The Tea App didn’t just pull receipts—it burned the whole store down.

And let’s not ignore the poetic justice:

These same men who gaslit, breadcrumbed, ghosted, and “vibed” are now begging for privacy.

Suddenly it’s “Don’t believe everything you read.”

Suddenly it’s “This is ruining lives.”

Suddenly it’s “Wallah that wasn’t even me, it was my twin brother.”

🧨 Bro, your twin lives in Sweden and works at IKEA. Stop.

The truth?

The Tea App didn’t ruin lives.

It gave women the microphone.

And when women in Dearborn got the mic? They didn’t just talk.

They unleashed 10 years of pent-up rage in emoji format and made it go viral.

So to the fellas still in hiding:

Don’t worry. Not every guy got exposed.

Just the ones who deserved it.

Just the ones who thought “halal dating” meant trauma bonding through Snap streaks.

Just the ones who said “my ex was crazy” when they were the reason she has three therapists.

And if you feel attacked?

You probably should.