The Hijab Olympics: Fall Edition – Pumpkin Spice, Parking Wars, and Piety on the Podium

Every four years the world gathers for the Olympics, but in Dearborn? We gather every fall, right when pumpkin spice season hits Ford Rd., for the only athletic spectacle that matters: the Hijab Olympics.

The games are unsanctioned, chaotic, and yet perfectly organized in their own way. Judges? Aunties with Bluetooth earpieces. Sponsors? Dunkin’, Biggby, and the Yemeni coffee shop across from the other Yemeni coffee shop. Anthem? Whatever Fairuz remix is blasting from someone’s Altima with one mismatched rim.

Welcome to the only tournament where cardio, caffeine, and contradictions are equally scored.

Event 1: The Masjid Side Door Sprint 🕌☕

Forget the 100m dash. The true test of speed is parking your Charger across three handicap spots, balancing a pumpkin cream cold brew in one hand, and sprinting across cracked asphalt to make it inside before the imam hits walad-dalleen.

• Style points if you hurdle a stroller or weave between three toddlers named Ali without spilling a drop.

• Deductions for tripping on your abaya or being caught in the livestream camera sprinting in socks.

• Disqualification if you spill your latte onto the masjid carpet. That’s a red card. Lifetime ban.

Veterans of this event know: the real sprint is not into the masjid — it’s sprinting out when your mom texts “WHERE R U?? dinner is getting cold.”

Event 2: The Drive-Thru Endurance Test 🚗🔥

The Dunkin’ line on Ford Rd. is the Ironman triathlon of Dearborn. Forty-five minutes of crawling forward in traffic, inhaling secondhand vape clouds, all while pretending to still “love fall vibes 🍂.”

Some athletes tap out early, defecting to Biggby — but Biggby’s line is worse, wrapped around the building twice like a Yemeni qat circle.

The ultimate prize? Leaving with a drink that has your actual name spelled correctly. This has only happened twice in recorded Dearborn history: once in 2018, and once in a prophetic dream an Iraqi auntie swore she had during Laylat al-Qadr.

Event 3: Synchronized Lip Fillers 💉✨

Two athletes. One injector. One Groupon code.

Contestants are judged on:

• Symmetry: if one lip arches higher than the other, that’s bronze at best.

• Subtlety: too natural? No points. Too duck-like? Overqualified.

• Recovery: ability to say “astaghfirullah” convincingly while their upper lip is stiffer than baklava left out overnight.

The official sponsor this year? The infamous Klarna dentist, who now offers “Buy Now, Repent Later” payment plans. Olympic corruption? No. Just Dearborn’s free-market innovation.

Event 4: The Tasbeeh Relay 🍂🕌

Picture this: two hijabis mid-relay. One clutches pumpkin spice latte, the other prayer beads. They must swap tasbeeh seamlessly while keeping eye contact with a cousin across the hall pretending he’s not looking.

Rules are strict:

• Drop the latte → automatic TikTok upload.

• Drop the tasbeeh → straight to West Dearborn Starbucks exile.

• Mix them up → suddenly you’re doing dhikr with a straw.

It’s brutal. It’s beautiful. It’s Dearborn.

Exhibition Event: The Fall Fit Parade 🧕🍁

Not officially scored, but the hijab fit reveal deserves its own medal ceremony. Every year, Shein hauls, Zara trenches, and Fashion Nova boots collide in one unholy runway strut.

One contestant shows up with pumpkin-colored abaya that perfectly matches her PSL. Another rocks triple-layered hijab plus flannel — a heatstroke waiting to happen. Judges? Aunties peering from SUVs, whispering “ya latif, this is haram fashion week.”

Closing Ceremony 🏆

The games end not with fireworks, but with a synchronized group selfie outside Biggby. The winners hold their lattes high like gold medals. The losers promise “inshallah next year” while secretly Googling “lip filler touch up Dearborn.”

And as always, the Dearborn national anthem plays: car horns layered over the sound of someone yelling “MOVE YOUR CAR, BRO!” outside the Dunkin’ line.

Because Dearborn doesn’t need Paris 2024. We already have Ford Rd. 2025 — the only Olympics where hijab pins double as javelins, where tasbeeh beads clack like starting pistols, and where the gold medal is just free wi-fi at the Yemeni coffee shop.

Yours truly,

Habib