Look What the Arabs Did: Michigan Just Banned Porn

Only Arabs could pull this off. Forget lobbyists, forget billion-dollar corporations, forget years of policy debates — all it took was a few uncles in Dearborn mumbling “haram, wallah” loud enough, and suddenly the Michigan Legislature folded like a pita wrap.

Welcome to the new Michigan, where porn is illegal but fireworks in the driveway are still halal.

Dearborn’s Lobbying Strategy: Duas & Loud Yelling

In Lansing, other groups bring lawyers, binders of research, and lobbyists in suits. Arabs? Nah. We roll in with a couple of uncles, prayer beads in one hand and a Biggby iced latte in the other.

“Ya khaye, the corruption of morals is destroying the youth,” they complain — right before heading home to “check on the kids” and sneak a scroll through the Tea app until fajr.

This wasn’t politics. This was pure, unfiltered Arab uncle energy. The same energy that bans satellite TV at home but somehow knows all the Turkish soap opera actors by name.

Porn is Haram… But the Tea App is Fine

The irony is thick enough to spread on pita. Porn is about to be banned in Michigan, punishable by 20 years in prison. Meanwhile, half of Dearborn is still catfishing each other on burner accounts with names like “Mo_Saad123.”

You’re telling me a state law is going to stop Arab men who’ve been sliding into DMs since AOL chatrooms? Please. These guys treat VPNs like a second passport. “Mashallah, I’m Canadian now — look at me, eh?”

And let’s be honest: what really killed porn in Michigan wasn’t morality. It was the fact that Arab guys were too busy leaving “Astaghfirullah sis, delete this” comments under Instagram thirst traps… then DM’ing those same women an hour later with unsolicited gym selfies.

Selective Morality™: A Dearborn Export

This is Dearborn’s greatest cultural contribution: the art of living two lives.

• Public Life: “Astaghfirullah brother, this is haram.”

• Private Life: Incognito mode, VPN, and a search history that could get you excommunicated from the mosque and the family WhatsApp group.

It’s the same hypocrisy we’ve perfected at home — just exported statewide. Congratulations Michigan, you’re now living in the Halal Outside, Hella Haram Inside™ reality.

The Real Tragedy

You can now get 25 years in prison for distributing porn in Michigan. That’s longer than some people get for murder. Imagine explaining that in jail:

“What are you in for?”

“Uh… uploading Habibi Housewives 3 to Dropbox.”

The Satirical Solution

If Michigan really wants to embrace this Dearborn-style morality, let’s go all in:

• Replace Pornhub with Halalhub™: only videos of people legally married with a walima and documented mahr.

• Require a sheikh’s khutbah before every steamy scene: “Bismillah, before you watch this, remember Jannah has rivers of milk.”

• And of course, government-issued VPNs called WastaNet™ — because every Arab knows rules are just suggestions if you know the right cousin.

Final Word

So the next time someone asks how Arabs are influencing politics in Michigan, don’t point to elections or city councils. Point to this. The first state in America where porn is officially outlawed — all thanks to the same people who yell “turn off that haram music” at weddings before doing the dabke until 3 a.m.

Dearborn didn’t just ban porn. We rebranded hypocrisy as legislation.

Welcome to Michigan, the land of Pure Haram™.

Yours truly,

Habib